Defying Desire Read online

  “But I do have control over this, don’t you see? I realize that now. I can choose to take a different route. I’m carrying your child, which means a part of you will always be connected to me. I’ll have to be content with that. You can’t expect me to endure the waiting, the not knowing.”

  Her eyes filled with tears and Trent struggled with wanting to pull her close and wanting to shake some sense into her. He’d thought she’d battled this and was on her way to winning. This fear that had such a fierce hold on everything she did. He’d thought the therapy and the house had all been working toward that end. How could she be standing here telling him that she wouldn’t be with him because she was afraid he would die?

  “I can’t do it, Trent. I just can’t. I know it sounds crazy and I know you don’t understand. But it’s too much, it’s too soon.”

  “It’s been two years, Tia.”

  “It’s been twenty-six months, a week and a day. It’s still in here.” She patted a hand over her heart. “I carry it with me just as I’m carrying your child. Just as I carried the thought of you getting shot or blown up every second you were away.”

  “Baby, I’m fine. I’m here right now with you. I’m trying—”

  She moved away from him. “You’re trying to make me do what you want. But sometimes, Trent, we don’t always get what we want. Sometimes we just have to deal with what we have. And all I have right now is a bunch of memories that are partly good but mostly tragic. And I don’t know how to deal with them or if I’ll ever move past them. No, I don’t blame myself anymore and I don’t plan on living my life in a shell any longer. But these are just small steps, ones that I have to take to get me to a better place.”

  “And I can’t be a part of that? Is that what you’re saying? I’m hindering your healing?” He couldn’t believe her words, didn’t want to hear them. But they were there, thrown out and sticking between them like a beaten stump.

  The tears had escaped, making tracks down her pretty face, swiping at his heart with vicious strokes.

  “I’m saying that it’s too much. I can’t do all this right now. I need time and space and I don’t really expect you to wait around.”

  She hadn’t asked him to wait around. He would have, for her he’d wait an eternity. Hell, he felt like he already had. But Trent was nothing if he wasn’t logical. She’d made some good points. She needed to heal, completely.

  In two months he had put her in the same position she’d been in before, pregnant and with a man considering a committed relationship. Feeling the fear of a repeat performance wasn’t that far-fetched. He doubted he would feel that way but then he was the one who had avoided relationships because he was afraid of leaving his family. In a sense, he and Tia were birds of the same feather. So he couldn’t really begrudge her honesty. No matter how much it hurt.

  “No. You can’t expect me to wait around,” he said tightly. “But you can expect me to be a part of my child’s life. You can’t take that from me.”

  She shook her head as the tears continued to flow. “No. I would never do that.”

  He inhaled, then let out a deep breath. “Well, then. I guess I should go.”

  When she didn’t speak again he moved to the door. Pulling it open he stopped. If this were to be the last time he could speak to her this freely, the last time he could express himself to her before they officially moved into their baby mama and baby daddy status then he wouldn’t let it go to waste. He couldn’t.

  “I wanted to marry you, Tia. I wanted to give you some of the happiness that you lost. We could have been great together. A great family.”

  And then he was gone. Tia threw herself onto the bed and sobbed as she hadn’t done in twenty-six months, a week and a day.

  Chapter 18

  “One day at a time, Tia. That’s all we can do is take one day at a time,” Madeline St. Claire spoke through the phone. Her baby was hurting, again. Only this time the pain had been self-induced.

  She hadn’t met this Trent Donovan, but she’d heard Tia speaking of him for weeks. In fact, she’d planned a trip to L.A. to see her daughter and to possibly meet this man who had captured her heart.

  When she called Tia to tell her this she was surprised to hear the complete desolation in her voice. Now, an hour later they were still on the phone. She, trying to console and talk some sense into her only child and Tia trying to protect herself from fate. One of them was fighting a futile battle.

  “He’s a soldier, Mom. Any one of his assignments could end badly.”

  “Jake wasn’t a soldier, baby. He was just a man and man only has a certain amount of time on earth. It’s the way God planned it.”

  “Well, I want to make some plans of my own. Can’t I do that?”

  “Yes, you can. But you need to accept that you have no control over whether or not those plans actually come to fruition. It’s about living the life you’ve been given in the time it’s given to you, Tia. If you love this man, and I can hear it in your voice that you do, then you should be with him. Nothing should stop you from grabbing hold of that love with both hands. Nothing.”

  “But what if love isn’t enough?” Tia argued.

  “It all starts with love. You’re carrying his child, Tia. A part of him is living and breathing in you. Don’t you think that happened for a reason?”

  “The same reason that I carried Jessica and she died.”

  “That was God’s will, and no matter what you or I say or do, God’s will will be done. Staying away from Trent won’t change that. When it’s his time he’ll be taken. When it’s yours you’ll go, too—albeit kicking and screaming with your stubborn self,” Madeline said with a light chuckle.

  Tia couldn’t help but smile herself. If ever she wanted brutal honesty, it would come from her mother.

  “I’m scared, Mom.”

  “I know it and I’m sorry for it. Remember that Christmas when your father bought you that pretty pink bicycle without the training wheels? You told him you couldn’t possibly ride a bike without the extras on it.” Madeline sighed at the memory.

  “You’re little face was so worried I thought you’d never model again because the crinkles would be permanently embedded in your forehead. And when I touched your shoulders you jumped. I hugged you to me and your little heart just about pounded out of your chest. You remember what I whispered in your ear?”

  One tear ran down Tia’s cheek even as she smiled, the memory clear in her mind. “You said if I didn’t get on that bike and ride like the wind I’d be stuck in that house in Arizona for the rest of my life while other kids grew up and moved on. Then you said that you and Daddy had plans for my room once I graduated so I needed to get my butt on that bike and stop being a baby.”

  Both women were laughing now.

  “Now I’m not there to hug you tight, but if I were, you know I would do just that. And then I’d tell you to get off your butt and go get that man. Your daddy and I have plans for more than one grandbaby from you.”

  Tia had hung up the phone thanking her mother for all her advice but still feeling like she’d made the right decision, no matter how painful it was.

  She took a shower and changed her clothes. She was hungry so she’d left her room and went downstairs to find something to eat. She hadn’t expected company, hadn’t even known she had company. But there they were, two thirds of the Triple Threat Donovans.

  “Hi, Tia,” Adam spoke first coming to give her a hug.

  She took the hug letting the feel of support wash over her. “Hi, Adam.”

  He released her and she looked to Linc. “You left Jade and the babies?”

  After hugging her he chuckled. “Mom’s staying with them. I had to come out to check on my star employee and the locations she’d spotted for the Gramercy expansion.”

  “Oh,” she said.

  “Here, sit down. Can I get you something?” Linc offered.

  “No. It’s okay. I was just going to make a sandwich.”

  “I�
�ll get it,” Adam said.

  “Camille let you out of her sight?”

  Adam smiled over his shoulder as he reached across the counter to get the bread. “If she could have come herself she would have, but she’s having some factory issues that can’t be ignored. Deli?”

  “Ah, no. Peanut butter and jelly.”

  “My kind of girl,” Linc smiled.

  Tia ate her sandwich, while Linc ate one, as well, and Adam munched on potato chips. It was a homely scene and yet an uncomfortable one. She knew they weren’t here strictly for social reasons, so she figured the quicker she got to the bottom of it, the better.

  “So did you come with Trent?”

  “Are you kidding?” Adam finished chewing. “He would have killed us.”

  “We took the flight in after him,” Linc smiled.

  She nodded. “Why?”

  “Because you two have the hardest heads this side of the U.S.,” Adam said in his sincere but brutally honest tone.

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Tia said with slight annoyance. “Trent and I have made a mature decision.”

  “You’re skirting around each other and your feelings as if it were a land mine. You’re both crazy.”

  Linc interrupted. “Crazy in love.”

  Tia sighed, letting her elbows rest on the table. “Love is not enough.”

  “It is when you make it enough,” Linc said, taking one of her hands in his. “He quit his job, Tia.”

  Her head shot up. “What?”

  “He’s leaving the special ops team to open the P.I. firm with Sam Desdune.”

  “But he loves his job,” she said quietly.

  “He loves you more,” Linc said simply.

  “No. He was considering going into business with Sam long before me. He didn’t do this for me.” Because if he had she didn’t know how she felt about that. How she would live with that.

  “True, he’d been struggling with the decision. But right before he found out you were pregnant, his decision was made. He came back here to tell you that, hoping it would win you back.”

  “He didn’t tell me. Damn him, he didn’t say a word!”

  Adam laughed. “That’s Trent for you. He wanted you to know the job change was about you and him. It was about the life he wants to lead. The baby is icing on the cake.”

  Tia stood and paced the room. He hadn’t told her about the job. And he could have, when she told him that was the reason she wouldn’t be with him, he could have told her hoping that would have made a difference. Would it?

  He’d said that no matter what his occupation the world was a dangerous place. That was certainly true, looking at all the innocent people being shot or killed by senseless violence.

  “He didn’t tell me that he’d planned to become a P.I. That we could have some semblance of a normal life. Why? Why didn’t he tell me?”

  “Because despite his pushy, arrogant ways, Trent isn’t about making people do anything they don’t want to do. That’s not how he operates. If he felt that you truly didn’t want to be with him he wasn’t going to resort to compromise to get you to stay. He’s stubborn that way. Go figure.”

  “He’s honorable that way,” Linc added. “And if you love him half as much as we know he loves you, you’ll understand exactly why he didn’t tell you.”

  Leaning against the counter, Tia combated the thumping of her heart. She loved Trent every bit as much as they believed he loved her. If not more. He hadn’t told her because he wanted her to heal. That’s what she’d said she needed to do and despite how he felt, how much he’d changed for her, he’d agreed.

  The incessant tears were back again but this time not for pain. She was happy to have found a man who loved and cared for her well-being so much. Happy to be carrying his baby and…

  “Where is he?” she asked suddenly.

  Linc lifted his arm and looked at his watch. “I’d say he’s on his way to the airport. His flight back to Vegas leaves in about twenty minutes.”

  “Twenty minutes,” she whispered, wiping quickly at her tears. “Okay. I can do this. I can do this.”

  Adam was already standing, reaching into his pocket for the keys. “We can do this,” he said grabbing hold of her elbow and moving toward the door. “I’m driving.”

  While in her room enjoying her pity party Tia had no idea the beautifully sunny day had turned into a heavy spring shower. She watched as raindrops attacked the windshield and traffic slowed to an annoying crawl.

  Her heart pounded in rhythm with her hand on her leg. She had to make it in time. She just had to. She’d been foolish and blind and, yes, foolish. Admitting she was wrong was going to be hard but hopefully it would be worth it.

  When they finally arrived at the airport Tia looked frantically for a domestic flight going back to Vegas when Linc pulled her in another direction.

  “He’s a Donovan, remember—flying usually entails using the company jet,” Linc reminded her.

  She had forgotten. Trent seemed so normal you’d never guess he was a multimillionaire. Except when you were being rushed through the swinging door of the private hangar space.

  Linc and Adam checked at the counter, then came back to her. “He’s boarding. You can wait until the jet returns and go to Vegas.”

  “Or you can call him,” Adam offered.

  “No!” she said adamantly. “It has to be now.” She looked toward the door and made a dash for it.

  The minute she was outside the rain pelted her skin with a steady beat. Her shirt immediately stuck to her chest, her jean capris growing heavier as she moved. She wore tennis shoes and no jacket but none of that mattered.

  In the distance she could see the plane and that the hatch was still open. Continuing to run toward it, she searched the area for any sign of Trent. He was probably already on the plane. Well, then she would get on the plane, too. Nothing was going to stop her from saying what she had to say to him.

  She was running, her only focus, her destination the plane, when she was grabbed around the waist by a strong arm.

  “Are you crazy? What are you doing out here?” Trent asked when he turned her to face him.

  Tia looked up, her vision blurred by the raindrops in her eyes. “I was coming for you,” she said breathlessly. “I had to see you before you left.”

  “Tia, it’s a freakin’ monsoon out here. Get back inside before you get sick again,” he yelled over the loudness of the plane’s engine.

  “No!” she yelled back, jerking out of his grasp. “I have something to say and you’re going to listen.”

  His face said he didn’t like it but the way he folded his arms said he wasn’t going to fight her anymore.

  “You should have told me about the P.I. firm, Trent. When you came into my room you should have told me about your plans.”

  “Would that have made a difference?”

  She hesitated only a second. “Yes.”

  “Then that’s why I didn’t tell you.”

  “But you said you wanted us to be together?”

  “I want us to be together if that’s what you want, not because I’m quitting the military and you feel that’s safer for me. I don’t want you on a bargain.”

  Just like she’d thought. Just like his brothers had said. He was too damned honorable.

  She rolled her eyes skyward praying that what she was about to do was the right thing. “I want to be with you,” she said wiping water from her eyes. At this point she couldn’t tell if they were tears or not.

  “Why?” he asked stoically.

  “Because I love you.”

  “And you’re not afraid that something might happen to me?”

  “I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t.”

  He sighed, then turned his head away from her.

  Tia took a step closer to him, reached up and touched his chin until he looked at her. “But I’m dying without you,” she said simply.

  “These last few weeks have been the hardest of
my life. I realize now it’s because you weren’t with me. Not just logistically, but here,” she tapped her heart. “You weren’t here because I wouldn’t allow you to be. I wanted so much to protect myself, to keep from feeling the hurt of loneliness again. But all I did was throw my new happiness away.”

  “Tia,” he began and she put her fingers over his lips to quiet him.

  “No. Let me finish.” He touched a hand to her wrist and she continued.

  “You were right when you told me I needed to get some help. And you were right when you said that living and losing was just life. I guess I’ve known that all along. I was just so afraid. I’ve never been led by fear before but it felt safer for me. Until now. Until you.

  “I love you more than I fear losing you. I need you more than I need to feel safe. You are my heart, my everything and I don’t care what job you do, that fact won’t change. I’d worry about you overseas or here, whether we were together or not.”

  Now there were tears, she knew because her vision had grown even blurrier although the rain had slackened to a steady drizzle. She was soaked and so was Trent and yet they stood on the tarmac as if they were the only two people in the world.

  “Trent Donovan, will you marry me?”

  “You are one stubborn, defiant woman, Tia St. Claire.”

  “Is that a yes or a no?”

  Trent smiled. As if she’d even had to ask for clarification. When he’d seen her running through that door he’d stopped talking to the pilot. She was beautiful, her hair flowing behind her, her clothes sticking to her curvy body and she was coming to him, for him.

  In all his life Trent had known women who were either attracted to his good looks or his hefty bank account. And he’d accepted that to the degree that it got him into their beds.

  But on this rainy day, in this airport, he’d seen a woman coming for him, for Trent Donovan the man, and he’d been overwhelmed.

  “You are gorgeous, on the inside and out.” He wrapped his arms around her waist, pulling her against his body. “You are strong and intelligent and the best kisser I’ve ever met.”